The Things That Have Happened, The Things That Occur

There’s a certain phenomenon that pretty much anyone who wants to do something experiences. What’ll happen is you’ll be experiencing something that you connect with. An artist will be at an art gallery, an athlete will be at a sports game, an actor will be watching a play. It’ll be the best of it’s kind, something top notch and undeniably appreciable. But you can’t stand it. But not because the product is bad, but because you understand it. It vibrates with you on a wavelength so perfectly in tune with your life goals and desires. You understand the content, and you understand the creator–and you realize that that person needs to be you. Your heart aches for greatness, to express your thoughts and to show people just what you’re capable of doing. But for whatever reason, you can’t. Maybe it’s needing to complete school, or waiting to make the team, or trying to score some more auditions or something. But something’s holding you back. You’re stuck there; you can’t move. And you resign yourself to persisting to try to progress while you watch someone else do whatever it is you love on a level you can only hope for.

I’ve been stuck in that zone for a while, a long while, and now I’m finally breaking through.

The past several weeks have been eventful for me, and insightful. Both in the way things have played out and the actual things that have happened. I’ve been tried and tested and had several firsts and learning experiences. And I’ve wanted nothing more than to divulge it all on here, to freely express my thoughts on one of the best platforms on the internet for doing so. But, running a website like this, you sort of become a curator at the same time. Your site is a museum and you decide the pieces, the exhibits and everything. You work so hard on it and you try so hard to please; you don’t want to muck it up. So you filter out a lot of the stuff that you wish so sincerely that you could show, because you think it’ll make it better for everyone. For me, it’s taken the form of filtering out a lot of the personal stuff I wish I could post, for the sake of quality control here on this blog, and the desire for it to be about more than myself. But I feel now that that makes the whole thing feel a bit too impersonal, and while I will maintain this quality control, I’ll keep you more informed about my life in the future. For now, here’s a quick rundown.

I’ve been super busy with life recently, focusing a lot on myself. Financial problems due to my parents’ divorce has caused a lot of personal changes that have had varying amounts of ramifications throughout my life. Especially starting late last summer, money for me has been tight, and I’ve had to save and improvise in areas that I haven’t before. Financial freedom is something that has been different for me. Without going into too much detail, a several different factors have caused these difficulties, and although I’m working hard to fix them, they’ve taken their toll.

The first eventful thing that happened was that I got a job at Target. It was okay, besides my shitty ableist coworkers. I got fired a few weeks afterwards, but it was deeply unjust, so I decided to sue the company. That’ll be a whole other post on it’s own, though; you can rest assured that the issue will get it’s own post once the issue is settled. I also rekindled relationships with several friends. I’ve started talking with those that I used to talk to a lot, those that I never thought I’d talk to, and those I never thought I’d talk to again. Both friends and enemies alike, old issues were brought up and settled. Some of these issues will be brought up again in the future, too.

This has also marked a huge era of progress and recovery for me. Record lows in depression, loneliness, and other things that I’d been known to suffer from. But one of the biggest things in my life these past few weeks has been my plans for this website. I plan to turn this into something much bigger and better than what I ever thought it could be. You’ll know exactly what I mean very soon in the future, but I’ve been investing large amounts of my time into it. I have to, in order to fulfill that burning desire mentioned at the beginning of this article. Ideas, thoughts, and all my hopes in life will all come together in one project–although calling it a “project” seems like an understatement.

Lastly, my birthday is happening on Monday. I will turn 20 years old. One thing I’m prone to is trying to scramble to do 1,000 things to prepare, because I feel like I have to commemorate the event. No longer a teenager, I feel like it’s especially important to do that now. What I want to do is this thing, a practice wherein you write a letter to yourself in the future, so your future self can read it and see how much you’ve changed. I want to do some form of that, but for varying lengths of time. Like one for 1 year from now, one for 5 years, and so on. I want to also start some sort of birthday tradition, too. As you can see, memories are one of my best friends.

More content and important information should be coming up soon, so watch out for that. And to clarify; I feel fine and all, I just definitely have to get some things in order. I’m sure you all have been itching to see more, and of course, I will deliver. Hang tight and stay sane, and just to let you know, your thoughts are real.


An explanation, rather than an apology

78 days. That’s low long it’s been since the last time I posted here. I’m sitting here typing and thinking about how many days that is. If you started learning a language from nothing, after 78 days you’d be pretty much conversational. If you planted a field full of cucumbers, you’d be able to harvest them all 78 days later. And, more topically, if I had started working on even one of my minor projects 78 days ago, then I would probably be done by now. And I can’t get over that now.

My lack of transparency has been quite regrettable, I feel like. I’ve neglected giving a ton of updates in order to avoid having my content being too focused on me, but I feel like that’s been detrimental.

Once I get things straightened out, I’ll definitely be posting a more lengthy update to explain everything and the (positive!) changes that are soon to come. Until then, I’ll try to post a few things here and there that I’ve done. I just thought it’s only fair to let you know instead of just suddenly posting content again without saying a word.

Anyways, I’m perfectly fine, and things will hopefully ramp up soon! I appreciate all of the support.

Shaving My Head: About a Difficult Battle With An Unknown Hair Condition


Hello everyone; I must say I’m excited to be posting again.

Last Friday (May 25, 2018) was one of the more eventful days as of recently. Emotionally, I had (and still have) been feeling better than ever than in the past few weeks, even months. My emotional state on the positive side, I’ve been having much more motivation to do things and a lot more ideas, as well. Things are looking up, and I’m grateful. But there’s one issue that has been sort of an elephant in the room when talking about recent months. And that issue is: hair loss.

At 19 years old, that’s most certainly an unusual thing for me to be dealing with. But still, that’s the hand I’ve been dealt. The causes have been going on for probably about a year now, but it’s actually accelerated in the past 3 months or so. In fact, in early April, there was a point where I had lost more hair in 2 weeks than in the previous 2 or 3 months. Eventually, it got to the point where my hair was getting weird and patchy, and of course, a lot shorter than I would have liked. It soon got to the point where I was forced to make a decision: start all over again and take good care of my hair and the situations causing the hair loss, or force myself to deal with my uneven hair. I was hesitant at first, for I hadn’t had a haircut in over 2 years prior, but eventually I decided that the aesthetic benefits would be much more better if I chose the latter of those options. And that I did.

Now as I mentioned in the video, there are two reasons that this whole thing started. The first and the primary reason is a disorder known as trichotillomania. Now this can be difficult to talk about sometimes, but I’m gonna do this anyways. I feel like I should educate the public a little, and be more transparent with what’s going on. Trichotillomania is a condition that causes people to have an impulsive urge to pull out their own hair. It’s similar to OCD, given that the urges are sort of a tick, or an “addiction”, for a real lack of a better phrase. It’s not something you consciously do. It’s not like I think “Okay, haircut time!” and start pulling out my hair. It’s different than that. It’s unconscious. It’s comparable to how you can have a bowl of popcorn next to you while watching TV and the whole thing will be done before you know it. You don’t particularly desire¬†the popcorn, but you just keep on eating it, just because. That’s basically the same feeling, really, but instead of popcorn it’s tugging on hairs or small clumps of hair until they come out. Shaving all hair is the best option for many trichotillomaniacs, because 1) you run out of stuff you can pull, and 2) it undoes much of the damage done by the condition.

That’s the main reason, but not the only one. Additionally, I’m on a medication known as Lithium Carbonate. It’s commonly and most often used to treat Bipolar Disorder, which I have regrettably been diagnosed with. Things were going well for the first few months I was taking it, things were pretty good. But then, after doing some more research on the effects of medications, and I read that lithium caused hair loss for a lot of people. I didn’t think about it a lot at first, but then I started being more observant. Whenever I’d wash or rub my hair, tons of it would just fall out without much effort at all. That scared me a lot, and I eventually consulted with my psychiatrist. She confirmed that it was a side effect, and that if the hair loss persisted–which it did–that she’d half the dosage and proceed from there. So although I’m taking a lot less of the medication, I still feel like that was a huge contribution to my decision to shave my head.

But things don’t just stop now that I’m almost bald. There’s a series of other things I will try to do in order to make sure my hair grows back better, stronger and longer, and that I don’t fall back and undo all of my progress. Here are what they are:

-Using a fidget toy, more specifically a fidget orb, in order to keep my hands busy and away from my head

-Using a multivitamin or a supplement such as biotin, as well as using a special shampoo, such as Jamaican Black Castor Oil, which I’ve heard highly of

-Not washing my hair every single day. Doing so would dry out the scalp, damaging hair and making it break easily. Only doing so every few days will preserve natural oils produced by the scalp, moisturizing and keeping things soft

-When it gets long, combing my hair regularly, and possibly keeping it braided. Not doing so would cause tangles that makes the hair less healthy and easier to pick.

After all this, I’m still very optimistic for the future. Besides this, I actually feel pretty good. I think the biggest issue with this will be dealing with self confidence/dysphoria issues. That’s just another in a long line of things I need to work on, though. Needless to say, I’m gonna keep on trying, and a year from now I’m most definitely going to make an update. Look out!

2017 Update!

Well everyone, believe it or not, we’re already 1 week¬†into 2017. For many, 2016 was a doozy of a year, with many celebrity deaths, a leap day, a summer Olympics, and a very heated and unpredictable presidential election. Now that that’s over, we can all look ahead to the new year and hope that it’s better than the last.

First of all, there’s my posting. It really is a bad habit of mine to have several posts planned and partially typed but never getting around to posting them. That happened to me just last week, actually. I had a post planned filled with thoughts and predictions for 2017, what I think about New Year’s traditions, et cetera. But I waited much too long to post it; now it’s the 8th of January and the line of 2017 predictions has mostly worn off. I may still post it, but if not, I’ll just queue it to post during late December, so then we may look back and see how accurate my predictions are.

Other than that, there are a few things that I’m looking forward to posting on this blog. There’s a lot I’m working on that I think will be very interesting for you to see! Among them are a painting, an ongoing fiction story, and maybe a contest or giveaway, in order to bring awareness to this blog. The new year will bring a lot of new content for you guys, so watch out for that! Posting more often will be in order too, and I hope to formulate a posting schedule, as well.

Just thought I’d give you guys a little update.

Oh, goodness. You’d think that not very much could happen in just the 2 short days since my last blog post, but that is in fact not the case. Lemme tell you how it went down.

I felt perfectly fine after making that last post. I went to bed right afterwards, and woke up the next morning and went to school. Perfectly normal. It’s a rotating schedule, so it started with 5th period, World History. It went well, actually, and we finished watching a movie that I really like. I started to feel kinda sick in the middle of 6th period, though. My stomach felt like it was being tied in knots, and i thought I could just ride it out–but I was so wrong. Long story short, I ended up uncontrollably vomiting during a therapist appointment, causing me so much embarrassment that I retreated back home without doing any of the other things I needed to do. 

After that I just laid in bed, and that’s pretty much where I’ve been ever since. I feel so yucky; my back aches, I’m hungry but don’t wanna eat, and I’ve only gotten up either to be sick again or to get something to drink. I tried sitting in the living room and using my laptop,  but even that is too much. So my only option is to lay here until I eventually feel better.

I really hope this doesn’t affect my ability to post some of the ideas I’ve had recently, or the plans I have for my birthday this Saturday. Please send me some good vibes, as I could really use them right about now. Have a great day, my lovelies!