Frigid (W.I.P)

“Without a family, man, alone in the world, trembles with the cold.”

Andre Maurois

Trepidation. Everyone else in the house was asleep by then, even Mother–I made sure of that. But still, that’s the best word I can find to describe the feeling. Trepidation.

Not even I fully understood it. Behind me, there was a pull. Thanksgiving had been but a day and a few hours ago, and it was wonderful. The supper was wonderful, I saw all sorts of family that had been longing to see each other. There was an air of love and appreciation. One of tranquility amidst the turmoil. So leaving that behind and disappearing in the middle of the night–would that not count as treachery?

But I also felt a push. A push incited by the cutting choice words of the irreverent, hypocritical, fundamentalist zealot that I call “Mother”. Her desire to constantly remind me that I would inherit nothing from her, that I depended on her to survive and would not last with my more up-to-date points of view. And the push from my friends, the one that popped the bubble, that shouted in the echo chamber, that shook my mind and helped me come to the conclusion that these skirmishes, all the events of the past several months, were not normal, and I could take things into my own hands. I could fly in the face of her hate and the complacency of those around me. And that was enough to fight my way against that pull.

I planned it out, you know. I chose a time when I knew my brother and both my parents would be asleep. I took note of exactly where the floor creaked in the hallway outside of my room. I then took several sheets of paper, and laid them on top of each of the spots I could find, as to avoid them on my way out just in case anyone woke up. Then the only problem was where I’d escape from, but I had a solution to that too. There was a security system installed, but through prior knowledge, I knew that the sensors on the exit in the bottom near the boiler room had long since been damaged. Open it and no alarm would sound. It’s the only one that does that, and since I’m the one that likes to fiddle around out there, it went unnoticed. That had to be the best option for me.

It was just past 3 a.m. I got up. I was laying in bed idly for a while, but now is when I mobilised myself. I put on my jogging pants, and my shirt. I put on a hoodie, and a slightly thicker jacket over that. I put on gloves, a trapper hat, then I folded up the directions to the hospital that I had printed out earlier, and started out the bedroom door.

The trick is to not push the door slowly; that’s when the creaks happen. You swing it open in one swift motion, without hesitation, and stop it so as to leave just enough room for you to squeeze by.

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An explanation, rather than an apology

78 days. That’s low long it’s been since the last time I posted here. I’m sitting here typing and thinking about how many days that is. If you started learning a language from nothing, after 78 days you’d be pretty much conversational. If you planted a field full of cucumbers, you’d be able to harvest them all 78 days later. And, more topically, if I had started working on even one of my minor projects 78 days ago, then I would probably be done by now. And I can’t get over that now.

My lack of transparency has been quite regrettable, I feel like. I’ve neglected giving a ton of updates in order to avoid having my content being too focused on me, but I feel like that’s been detrimental.

Once I get things straightened out, I’ll definitely be posting a more lengthy update to explain everything and the (positive!) changes that are soon to come. Until then, I’ll try to post a few things here and there that I’ve done. I just thought it’s only fair to let you know instead of just suddenly posting content again without saying a word.

Anyways, I’m perfectly fine, and things will hopefully ramp up soon! I appreciate all of the support.

Questions you’ve always wanted to ask twins, answered.

​Well, these past few days have actually been pretty eventful. As some of you may know, that’s because every year from August 3rd to the 5th is know as Twins Day. Every year since 1976 there’s a ginormous gathering of twins in the city of Twinsburg, Ohio. And as even less of you know, I myself am an identical twin. Yep, you might’ve seen some pictures in the gallery and thought I just had a similar-looking brother (that has happened before, by the way). But I am indeed a twin, and as identical as they can get.
Now, the one major thing that comes with being a twin is something that becomes apparent at a very early age for most. All the time, when meeting someone and they find out you’re a twin, a specific battery of questions is bound to follow. Not that it bothers me–most of the time–it’s just that it’s the same exact questions every time. And some of these questions are so asinine that I physically groan every time I’m asked them. Of course, I  always try to answer out of respect for their curiosity, but still, I sometimes cannot help but to be annoyed. Here are the most common questions that I and my twin brother have always been asked, answered with honest and candid responses from my point of view.
What’s it like being a twin?

Now, it took me a good while to understand this question. “But what’s it like though? Having another actual copy of you running around”. And at first, it didn’t make sense to me. What did they mean “what’s it like”? They’re just there. I literally don’t even think about it half the time. I couldn’t comprehend why people thought it was so monumental and life-changing that there’s somebody who looks like me. But then I gave it some thought. I’ve been a twin for my entire life; they’ve been a twin for none of it, and they never will be. Something unique and relatively uncommon is something bound to ask questions. And while it may seem normal to me, it raises a lot of honest questions from others who haven’t experienced it. So I’m more understanding.
Honestly, there’s only one good answer to this. Just imagine for a second that you have a sibling. Now imagine that the sibling is the exact same age as you. Now imagine that that sibling looks pretty similar to you. That’s exactly what it’s like. It’s not like a mirror-image, carbon copy. Step into a futuristic cloning machine, and what comes out will NOT be a twin. A twin is a completely separate person with a completely separate personality. When you look at your twin, it’s not like looking at a mirror. We’re “two and the different”, as I’ll put it. 
There’s only one intrinsic benefit of being a twin that I can think of. At any stage of life that you’re in, you have someone else there with you alongside you, that’s always been alongside you, and that is also in that exact same life stage. Because of this, twins have some of the strongest and unbreakable bonds there is. That’s the part that I’m most grateful for.
Which one is older?

Well, in my case, I’m the older one.  My younger twin brother, Travis, was born 5 minutes after me. 
This is one of the first questions people ask usually, and thinking about it, I don’t know why that’s the case. I mean, it’s not that important really; the time between the two is mostly insignificant. 
The average length between twin births is about 17 minutes, although there are extremes. It can be as low as a few seconds due to c-sections, and can go up to 3 hours and beyond if the woman is having difficulty. The record, however, is 84 days, 87 depending on who you ask. That’s very rare and absolutely astonishing, though.
Which one is smarter?

This is one of the ones that I genuinely don’t like being asked. It’s not like we went and got our IQs tested just so we could tout the numbers during some meaningless icebreaker. What’s the point of even comparing that? Would you only ask questions to the smarter one? Would the dumber one seem like the weaker one? Subconsciously that’s probably it, so I usually just say “probably me” and we both have a laugh. But it’s truly a dumb question. The differences in our intelligence have just as much to do with each other as the same differences between us and any other person.
Which one is the good one?

This plays into the stereotype perpetuated often by TV, movies, and video games. The one that there’s a clear dichotomy between the personalities of the two twins, and that one is clearly the sweet, charming, and ultra super cool one, and the other is the dark, loner, secretly plotting to murder your family one. Sure, there have been some cases of people murdering their twins and stealing their identities, or one becoming a millionaire and the other becoming a felon. But all of that mostly stems from mythology and common tropes. The true differences in our personalities, and thus the decision as to which is ‘good’ or ‘bad’, is so very subjective.
Which one gets more girls?

We get this one a lot, and it’s so stupid that I’m not going to dignify it with a response.
Do you guys ever switch places?

Eh, it varies. I’ve heard various stories of other twins doing things like switching places with their twin during a date or messing with rarely seen family members. There are some heavily fictional parts, though. People say that I’m lucky cause if I don’t want to take a math test then I can tag him in. Even if that could work, which it probably couldn’t, if I wouldn’t want to take a math test then he probably wouldn’t want to either. 
Do you feel each other’s pain? Do you read each other’s minds? 

This one is debatable. There have been studies suggesting minor links between the mindsets of some sets of identical twins. But that’s often greatly exaggerated in people’s minds for some reason. Shoot Travis in the foot while I’m not there and I literally won’t feel a thing. If you’re talking about emotionally, though, that’s definitely a thing. It’s pretty psychological; being around someone so closely linked to you makes your emotions pretty much in tune. 
Do you complete each other’s sentences/say things at the same time?

This is the only one on here that’s pretty much completely true. I see it happen a lot with others, and personally, it happens with me and Travis a lot. Several times a week, one of us will be saying something and the other will be like “I was just thinking that!”, Or one will start saying something and the other might finish the rest. It’s a lot rarer, but we do say stuff at the same time a lot. Mostly it’s when people ask a question directed at both of us, and we both reply with the same thing at the same time. But it can be other things too, like both of us yawning at the same time or having the same reaction to a funny part in a movie. It may seem like I’m exaggerating though, so other twins, feel free to weigh in.
I wish I were a twin.

Honestly? You don’t, really. I don’t mean that it’s hell on Earth, but you gotta believe me, you really do get used to it. If you somehow became a twin right now, the novelty would wear off in at least a month, then your life would become boring again.
(in some cases) why don’t you have similar names?

That’s just a cliche that a lot of parents do. Some do and some don’t, but I most certainly prefer the latter. It causes confusion and is more of a novelty sorta thing. I knew two twins where one was named Alexis and the other was named Alexa. God knows how I could possibly tell them apart. If they didn’t walk together the whole time I would’ve thought they were the same person. It’s all in the parenting.
So as you can see, being a twin can cause a lot of social pressure at first meeting. Kinda like living in Los Angeles or being albino or something; people just don’t know, so they ask. Not that it’s impolite, we’re just blasé. So if you see a twin again now, or you’re thinking about that one time you passed a pair of twins and said “I’m seeing double!”, Don’t feel bad; feel aware.  

Frigid: Prologue

“Bundle up.”
That’s what he said to me.
I don’t know exactly what made me so fed up at that time, but I was. The discourse in my life, it had reached a level that was totally unbearable to me at the time. The shouting, the arguing, the fighting, crying, panicking. Logic eluded me at that time. All I wanted was an escape, and a solution. And I thought I knew how to get those.
I knew it was stupid, I knew that. But what else was a kid to do, being the victim of a narcissistic abuser like that, with no other options? CPS didn’t do anything. Cops didn’t do anything. Family didn’t do anything; they didn’t even believe me. And all the while I was suffering just about every day. You haven’t felt it. A house with the floor made of eggshells upon which I tread softly but still reap the hatred. I felt the cracking every day, especially of the recent days. And what do you do when there’s a house floored with hazardous materials? You leave.
My two accomplices were helping me. My friend and her friend, both of which I met online. You know, it’s shameful when two people you’ve never met in person are designated to save you from one person whose been with you for 16 out of 16 years. The blood was really thin.
Earlier, a fracas ensued. Such had been waiting to happen since the hellish chain of events late the passing summer. It was now November and this conflict had come to a head. It was the beginning of the end of my depressive phase and yet, I saw this as my only obstacle. But my family, they were a real obstacle. They were an immovable object, and I was a completely and utterly stoppable force. I had to break through. And I had a plan.
The first friend, Alys, was who I considered to be my best friend. We’d met online a few years prior and had kept in touch on and off ever since. The other friend, Yanni, was someone I met only about a month prior, and he was the “boyfriend” of Alys (don’t ask why I put that in quotes). Alys, she ended up telling Yanni everything, and he was very willing to help me. He lived far away, but he had room in his house. I could lodge with him until things got better, I just had to be able to get there. After the argument–I can’t even remember what triggered it– I called Yanni. He and I both agreed that it was time for me to bounce. We spent about 10 minutes planning the logistics of it. I would leave, walk out the back door in the dead of night, and arrive at the hospital. They would see my desperation, and there would be no way they’d have the heart to send me back to that house.
I only saw 1 problem: the bitter cold. It was around freezing those upcoming days, and I knew that the cold would bite my skin, almost as hard as I liked to bite myself in anger. So I brought that up to him. I said to him “it’s gonna be cold out. What should I do to at least prevent hypothermia or something?”
He just told me “Bundle up”.
And I listened to him.

Happy Valentine’s Day from Likewise

Hello everyone! I hope this Valentine’s Day has been good for you all.

I was planning to release a short story today that had to do with love. Unfortunately, due to how life has been for me recently, that didn’t happen. It’s still a really good idea though, so I’ll continue working on it and post it here when I’m done.

I hope you have a great rest of your day though! Even if you don’t have a valentine, you’re still so beautiful and deserve the best! Don’t let one day define your entire self-worth. I hope you live happy and lovingly and find great things!

2018 Predictions 

Today’s the 1st of January, the first of the hundreds of days in the year 2018. A whole new year of brand new events, songs, movies, trends, and memes.

There’s often a lot of thought about how the next year is going to go. It’s something I think about every year around New Year’s. I also look back on the previous year and think about the ups and the downs, and all of the new things that happened.

So I’ve gotten an interesting idea. What I’m gonna do is make this post detailing a few things I think or want to happen in the rest of 2018. At the end of the year, I’m gonna look back at this post and look at what I got right and what I got wrong. 

Predictions

I was planning to do this last year, but unfortunately, I never got around to it. But looking back on 2017 and comparing it to what I thought 2017 would be like, they’re really quite different. I expected it to be stagnant, not expecting many interesting things to happen. That was probably just cause of the overwhelming year 2016 was, but I was really wrong. I sort of feel the same way for 2018, not knowing what the year will bring, but still being very curious.

It might be a big year in music. I feel like a big artist that hasn’t released anything in a while is going to come out with a really big hit that’ll be all over the radio, like what happened to Adele with “Hello”. I know a few popular artists are releasing new albums this year. Arctic Monkeys, Fallout Boy, Nicki Minaj, and Bastille are some of the ones I’m thinking about.

Movies won’t be too eventful, I don’t think. There’s the highly anticipated Incredibles 2, but besides that, I don’t expect much more than a bunch of sequels and add-ons to additional franchises, like the new Avengers movie due this Spring. But I’m hopeful, because recently I’ve been getting more into watching movies; I want another “Get Out”, one that I can get real excited about.

Celebrity deaths will happen, I’m sure, but I don’t know who exactly. My brother has made the prediction that Jerry Seinfeld will die, but I’m not sure about that one. I’m thinking it may still be an older celebrity though, someone like Bill Cosby or even Betty White. Whoever it is, I know it’s gonna make me upset.

Politics, at least in America, will be somewhat eventful. Although I like to avoid weighing in on political issue when I can, because this isn’t a political blog, and politics are generally something that people are really finnicky about who talks about politics. I think that Donald Trump will continue to dominate the headlines, as he has countless times since he took office. I think he might do something big that’ll cause a lot of controversy–a lot more than there normally is, that is. I don’t think he will get impeached, though; I’d say there’s a 20-30% chance of it happening. I do think though that Democrats have a good chance at taking Congress, or at the very least just the House. 

I’m thinking a lot about what might dominate 2018 when looking back on it. The Winter Olympics will obviously dominate a little bit, but other than that, I’m not sure. I have a feeling that stuff will happen at around March and/or June/July. I also have a feeling that something big will happen that none of us will be expecting, and it’ll be the defining moment of 2018 for sure. I’m sensing it will be with someone in the African American community for some reason, but I’m not certain at all about that. I also think that there will be some cool new memes, and that overall, some interesting things will happen in pop culture.

Personally, with my own life, I’m curious as well. What I think is gonna happen is usually confused with what I want to happen. But I predict that this year I’ll make some good progress. I think I’ll publish at least 1 new book by the end of the year. I’m still getting things straightened out with my medication, my depression, and my family, but I expect that to be solved by March/April. I hope to become financially sound enough to do my own thing. I don’t know if I’ll be living in the same place, but I’m getting a sense that I will still be living here by the time the year ends. New habits will be picked up, and I think I’ll be and look quite different. My transition might also begin, but I don’t think it’ll take a noticeable effect by year’s end. All in all, I’m sensing that I’ll actually like this year.

Lastly there’s two things. One, I’m doing the 365 day  selfie challenge, and we’ll see how that goes too. Second, there is my resolution, which I don’t usually make. I want to write more a d try to get myself financially sound, and overall just increase my life’s quality overall. I hope dearly that this happens, as it’s all I’ve ever wanted for myself. 

But, we’ll just have to wait till next January to reevaluate. The clock starts now.